December 16th: Ducks
There is one group for whom Christmas is not exactly a
joyful time of year. It’s the exact opposite if anything. I refer, of course to
the fowls. That’s ‘fowls’, no ‘Fowlers’,
the desperately unlucky Eastenders family, although it works for them too, as it
probably does for any British soap opera family at Christmas.
But even more than unfortunate fictional families, fowls (Galleiforms, if you
prefer) have good reason to fear Christmas, as it pretty much translates to ‘mass
slaughter’ for them. Something about Christmas makes humans, in the west, at
least, want to consume the flesh of a deceased relatively-obese bird. Not that
we don’t do that at other times of year of course, but it becomes a bit more
intense at Christmas time.
Turkey has to bear the brunt of the festive lust for flesh,
although chickens come in for it too, but then when do they not? This is likely
to be a result of Christmas occurring in the past when meat was somewhat more
of a luxury, rather than something that you can find discarded
in gutters the morning after the day people beak up for work. If the
quantity of meat was the priority, rather than the quality, then it’s no wonder
Turkey came to the
forefront of holiday foodstuffs, usually being the biggest, chunkiest of the
fowls. Although given Christmases pagan roots, it does make you wonder where
this whole ‘kill something big and consume its flesh’ ritual originally came from.
If that’s a bit of a dark way of thinking of things, I have
precedent. Coming from a small Welsh village, by family growing up were part of
a small rural community where ovens large enough to cook whole turkeys were
very rare. I’m told that, on Christmas eve, it was normal for groups of the
women to travel with their Turkeys en-masse to the local crematorium, which
wasn’t in use at that time of year. You can figure the rest out for yourself.
I have no evidence to back this up, it’s purely anecdotal.
But still, put’s sprouts into perspective, doesn’t it?
But apparently, before Turkey (in the UK at least), it was
goose. This makes sense; goose can be obtained in Britain, whereas Turkey is
indigenous to America. And it’s a fairly hefty bird which, like turkey, doesn’t
really get a lot of sympathy from people, as they’re believed to be nasty,
unpleasant creatures. But this does draw up the fowl/waterfowl disparity.
One bird that seems to get off relatively lightly at
Christmas (but not
completely) is the humble duck. People have a bit of a soft spot for ducks,
with their comical waddles and lust for bread. It’s possible to interact with
ducks in a pleasing, slaughter-free environment, so they are relatively
innocuous.
Although maybe that’s not it? Maybe ducks are largely
avoided, and goose was replaced so readily, as festive food, because waterfowl (anseriformes, if you
like) are relatively very fatty. Cooking and eating them is, therefore, more of
a chore. Goose fat,
which is smokeless, is still used to roast things, but it’s been separated from
the goose long beforehand.
Evolution-wise, this makes perfect sense. If you end up
spending a lot of time in the water, being made up of substances that increase
buoyancy/insulation is obviously going to be an advantage. So ducks and geese
are packed with fat, which is made up of a variety of fatty acids, which are hydrophobic and insulating.
Interesting chemistry anecdote, apparently fatty acids were
originally called aliphatic acids, but during the preparation of a paper in the
early days there was some dictation issues and the person typing it up thought,
reasonably enough, that they were called ‘fatty acids’. The name stuck, for
obvious reasons. (My chemistry teacher told me this, I don’t have a reference)
Also, did you know a ducks
quack doesn’t echo? Well you shouldn’t, because it does.
So, ducks are like the new expensive toy that children want
for Christmas. Looks cool, should be fun, but a lot more complicated and fiddly
when you realise how many bits are involved, and it never does exactly what you
think it should
Twitter: @garwboy
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