Sunday, 24 April 2011

News Roundup: Easter Special (Satirical)

Here is a roundup of some spoof news stories that I wrote for my own amusement, then realised I have nowhere to put them. So here they are. Some are scientific in nature, some are not. Either way, Happy Easter!

Clashes over changes to meaningless voting system

Britain's most influential people (judges of prime time talent contests), risk coming to blows over severely divided opinions in the ongoing debate over potential changes to the reality TV contest voting systems.

Orange Billionaire Simon Cowell, former judge of the most popular talent contest 'Shit Factor' and the man responsible for Westlife, Robson and Jermome and the 2004 Boxing Day Tsunami among other global catastrophes, wants to see an overhaul of the current voting system, stating that it still allows people too much choice regarding which desperate prole wins the chance to be famous for almost an entire month.

"Although we've done our best to prevent it, the current voting system still can't rule out people voting based on talent or some form of primitive empathy for a sob story, and this undermines the reality contest ethos. Taken to its logical conclusion, it could mean the UK could be subjected to some random biped with musical ideas far above their station, or, God forbid, an ugly person. People could be exposed to this undesirable person via saturated blanket media coverage for the two full weeks before the next contest starts, and that would never do".

However, his proposals to change the current system to one where contestants are voted for based on 'fairer' but more restricted criteria such as racial purity and obedience to the Cowell empire, are strongly opposed by the celebrity judges of the other high-profile talent contest 'Britain's got Terminal Illness'. BGTI judge and primitive animatronic mannequin Amanda Holden strongly opposes any changes to the current system.

"People should vote based on who they like, and that's all there is to it. If we focussed on looks and everyone sounding the same, what good would that be? Susan Boyle would never have become famous, for a start, and how horrible would that have been? If we keep the current system, we could end up with a country covered in Boyles, and then everyone's happy". However, Amanda Holden's judgement has been called into question by opponents in the voting-system debate, citing the evidence that she has had sex with both Neil Morrissey and Les Dennis. Fellow judge Michael McIntyre is also believed to favour sticking with the current voting system, but has not made an official statement on the matter, answering any question asked with an extended 20 minute routine about the various amusing aspects of casting a vote, delivered via high-pitched noises and skipping. Judge David Hasselhoff was unable to comment on the issues of voting and fairness as he is a wealthy American, an as such is unfamiliar with the concepts.

A recent survey revealed that most people are unhappy with the current reality contest voting system, but the majority would prefer to adopt a more efficient system, such as a 10 mile assault gruelling course to decide who wins each round. When asked about disputes between judges, 68% of people would prefer them to be resolved via 'gladiatorial death matches'.

Harry McAllister, a labourer from Stevenage, sais 'I've got an assault rifle and a dozen Molotov cocktails all lined up, how about we vote on whether or not I storm the studios and end it all for good?'

Commercial sector anger at efforts to Christianise Easter

The Easter holiday period was potentially soured by recent condemnation by the commercial sector of what they described as 'a cynical and manipulative attempt by the Christian community to introduce Christian views and religious implications to a glorious celebration of buying pointless egg-themed things'.

A traditional celebration of the arrival of spring, the changing of the seasons and increased fertility among livestock and other non-domesticated herbivores, Easter is the most lucrative time of year for many in the commercial sector, particularly business based on the selling of alcohol, novelty chicks and egg and/or rabbit shaped chocolate things. However, many believe that recent years have seen an alarming increase in efforts by the Christian community to introduce a more religious and sombre tone to the holiday period.

Jeffrey Salmon, an executive director of chocolate manufacturers 'Cadbury's', condemned the efforts to make Easter a religious celebration. "I think it's a deeply cynical and self-serving move on behalf of the church-going community to make the British public feel bad during the holiday period. All people should have the right to spend obscene amounts of money shortening their lifespan via self-induced obesity and diabetes, without feeling judged by some omnipresent no-nonsense deity or an old pervert in a jewelled dress."

Mark Llewellyn, a vice-president at Brain's Brewery, also expressed serious concerns over increasing religious interference with Easter. "I'm not being funny, but the 4 day weekend is a serious money-making period for the booze-peddling industry, especially when the weather is as good as it has been. We've still got a load of financial crises going on, and the last thing my industry needs is people not going out on Saturday night because they don't want to be hung over and miss the opportunity to sit in a cold building and hear how they're going to burn forever in hell the next morning".

However, religious leaders have denied the accusations that they are behaving underhandedly or unfairly, stating that Easter has always been a Christian festival, ever since it was essentially stolen from the Pagans. The Reverend Archie Dean defended the Church's actions "The commercial sector has been corrupting and perverting the message of Easter for far too long, and it's time something was done about it. This obsession with confectionary, eggs and rabbits is not just spiritually meaningless, it is often downright sinister. We urge everyone to put aside the childish and ridiculous notions of an Easter bunny, and return to worshipping the resurrection from the dead of a 200 year-old demi-god whose mother was a virgin".

Other groups who oppose the commercial sector's attempts to stop Christians making Easter more religious are those that make up the right-wing media, who find the whole thing highly profitable all year round.

Kate Middleton will refuse to adhere to traditional consummation ceremony

Star of countless commemorative souvenirs and fiancée Prince William, Kate Middleton has caused anger and outrage among traditionalists and royalists by declaring that she will not be engaging in the standard consummation ceremony of her marriage to the future king. Sources close to Middleton state that although she fully intends to be a dutiful and loyal wife to her husband, she is a young, modern woman and doesn't see the need to engage in a centuries old consummation ritual which has no place in contemporary society.

Traditionally, the consummation ceremony takes place after the wedding reception once all other guests have left, and involves a few minutes of grunting and sweating before one or both of the newlyweds falls into an alcohol-facilitated slumber. Dr Mary McAllister, a historian at Strathclyde University and an expert in the traditional consummation ceremony, explains that there is much variation in the ceremony, depending on the culture and background of those involved.

"Typically, it is a relaxed, almost melancholy affair, a sexual coupling that has more to do with a sense of obligation rather than arousal or excitation. After the removal of the wedding dress, which is itself a long and complex operation, there usually follows a brief, 3 minute period of coupling, typically in the missionary position, or possibly doggy style, or maybe even with the woman on top, although as this occurs after an extended drinking session this technique usually causes delays as it results in unwarranted pressure on the male bladder. Some men try to prolong the experience by drinking less, or banging out a quick one with one of the more desperate bridesmaids in the toilets during the reception, but these are only minor variations on what is essentially a centuries-old tradition".

Kate Middleton has reportedly stated that she will not be putting up with such an archaic, one-sided tradition, and expects 'some decent foreplay' from her husband, possibly with the inclusion of appliances or some sort of synthetic slippery substance to increase mobility and reduce friction of various areas.

Dr McAllister says she supports Miss Middleton's stance, but advises caution when bucking tradition. "I agree that she should expect some consideration from the man she's just promised to spend her life with, but I think her expectations may be misjudged. Given his upper class, private school and military background, she may find that Prince William has a very unusual attitude to sex. She should be prepared to be taken roughly, asked to insert things into his 'area', and mistakenly be referred to as one of his school or barrack 'buddies' during the act. Possibly 'Bingo' or 'Skipper'. And to be completely honest, if she is one of those people who has no time for tradition and rituals, marrying a future monarch is possibly the worst mistake she'll ever make."

"Alzheimer's disease is definitely not contagious", claims… some guy. He had a white coat. I think…

A leading scientist has dismissed claims that the severe progressive memory disorder Alzheimer's disease is actually communicable and worryingly contagious. The scientist in question has been studying people with Alzheimer's disease for many years, and dismisses all claims that the disease is caused by some form of communicable pathogen. He intended to produce results which support his claim, but neglected to bring them to the press conference.

The scientist, who was unable to tell us his name despite several efforts to do so, claims that any suggestion that Alzheimer's disease can be spread from person to person is laughable. "I've been studying people with Alzheimer's for many years" he told journalists, repeatedly. "I can safely say with 100% certainty that I can safely say with 100% certainty that there is no danger of catching Parkinson's disease from a dead pigeon. What? Alzheimer's? What about it?" The scientist then spent at least 15 minutes searching for his research papers supporting his conclusions. During this time he attempted to fill in the already-completed crossword in a nearby newspaper on 3 occasions, asked 6 of the assembled journalists what time the bus was arriving, and pulled a remote control from his back pocket and declared he'd 'been looking for that!'. He then attempted to use it to call his wife, who did not answer.

Suggestions that the blood-clotting disorder Alzheimer's disease is spreading rapidly have thus far been unsubstantiated by scientific evidence. Any suggestion that a memory disorder can pass from person to person will be revealed at the end of Chris Nolan's summer blockbuster 'Infection', where Leonardo Dicaprio fights his arch nemesis, the Joker. Further updates on the Royal Wedding between Prince Charles and Kate Thornton will be revealed as they occur.

Sharon, can you write this up and send it to His Nibs the editor please? It's not ideal, but you know what that fat bastard is like when he doesn't get his deadlines met LOL ;) kthnxbai D

Bananas - Eggs - Flour - Red onions - Haemorrhoid cream - Trifle - Peppers - Tin foil - …what's that stuff? The stuff with the red dust on top? It's like a curry powder but it's not as spicy?

Scientists: "No, you CAN'T have a pissing jetpack, so stop asking!"

Individual Jet Pack Clip Art

Leading figures in the science and engineering fields have admitted that not only have they not invented the jetpack yet, they have no intention of trying. The jet pack, sometimes known as the rocket pack, is a theoretical mode of transport which consists of an apparatus mounted on a person's back like a rucksack which features rockets powerful enough to allow a typical human to take off, but precise and balanced enough to allow said person to control their speed, descent and orientation in a manner which would allow sustained and controlled flying without the need of an aircraft or other encompassing vehicle. But now scientists and engineers have issued a statement saying that such a device would be 'ridiculously dangerous'.

Leading aeronautics engineer Rhys Phillipson has extensively pointed out how ludicrous the whole idea is, and is apparently sick of doing so. "Look, you're expecting a device which emits rocket exhaust powerful enough to propel you into the sky at high speeds, but is also light enough to be carried by a typical person, who is probably unfit and overweight seeing as they're the sort of person who'd want a sodding jetpack so they don't have to do all that strenuous walking. Even if we were capable of such a staggering feat of engineering, you wouldn't want rockets of that magnitude occurring within 30 metres of you, let alone right next to your feeble little legs. That's assuming you'd object to being reduced to a torso with a crispy base, of course.'

Stanley Washington, an employee at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, elaborated further on the impractical nature of jetpacks. "People seem to be annoyed by the fact that we haven't perfected these obvious death traps yet, despite the fact that it definitely is rocket science, which most people acknowledge is extremely tricky. There's the whole 'burning off your lower limbs' issue, which would necessitate some sort of metre-thick Teflon trousers. Still think you'd look cool with a jetpack while wearing those? No, didn't think so. Most other 'cool' forms of transport are things like skateboards and roller-blades, and have you seen the people who use those things? I wouldn't trust them with a used rubber glove, let alone packs full of volatile fluid and capable of 4,000 degree flames".

In response to continuous criticism from people expecting jetpacks, Scientists and Engineers issued this statement. "Tell you what, you guys stop causing carnage and getting ill on your own, then we'll get you a jetpack. Deal?"

Email: Humourology (at)

Twitter: @garwboy

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